It's been 3 days since we found out that our baby's heart stopped beating. 3 days since we found out that we lost our second child, that Danielle lost her baby brother, that Ryan and I lost our first son. The grief has been a strange animal, visiting us at random times in different ways. We've had a lot of prayers and feel God's hand in this, which gives us some peace, but only time is going to take away the hurt.
I wish I had the right words to say how much I loved my little boy, how empty I am without him, how much I miss being together. I will never get to see him grow up, never get to see him smile, never get to see his face again. I loved him, so very very much.
Through this whole experience, God has been good to us. The elective u/s meant that we didn't have to wait 2 more weeks until a doctor's visit to find out we lost our baby. The holiday weekend didn't stop the OB from seeing us and having things move forward. The nursing staff was absolutely amazing at the hospital. The pain medications were effective and labor was relatively quick. Ryan has been my rock through all of this, and my parents were here in a heartbeat to take care of Danielle. And Danielle...that little girl can make me smile when my whole world is numb. I can't doubt God or be without hope when she's around.
Today when I woke up, the hurt was a little less. I noticed the soft breeze outside and the bright colors of the flowers in our yard. I laughed without thinking at something my husband said. I cancelled my OB appointments and was able to say that I wasn't pregnant with just a few tears and heart pangs. I must admit, though, that part of me is yearning to be a Mommy again soon, to move on so I can know if I will have another chance and that my family will still grow. This hope combines with the numbness and a little denial, making a little cocoon to rest and heal in. It's better than being a zombie in the world, better than heart-wrenching sobs and an empty, empty womb. I will take what I can get, and trust that God will carry me through this.
No comments:
Post a Comment